food for thought

Resist Impulse Purchases this Black Friday

2011-11-25T09:10:00.000-08:00

One of the main causes for stress and anxiety is finance. Choices that we make now will effect us in the upcoming months. Passing through a checkout lane can be a trying experience, what with the several and varied objects within reach, taunting you to buy them at the last minute. Worse is when you have the itch to purchase on impulse as you move from aisle to aisle in the store. Below are some steps to help you resist the temptation.

1.) Make a list. Only purchase those things on the list. Check off items as you buy them.

2.) Check your list before you go, and determine if any of the items listed would count as impulse purchases.

3.) Take only cash with you. By leaving the debit cards, credit cards, and checks at home, you eliminate the possibility of going over a certain, pre-set amount.

4.) Ignore everything in the check-out aisle. If something is not in your cart by the time you get to that point, tell yourself that you do not need it, whatever it is.

The major premise of therapy for impulsive and compulsive shopping is the idea that insight alone will not stop the behavior. All stages in the shopping cycle must be identified: the triggers, the feelings, the dysfunctional thoughts, the behaviors, the consequences of the behavior, as well as the meaning of the compulsive buying.

Effective Problem Solving

2011-09-11T10:00:00.000-07:00

Effective Problem Solving is the second half of good communication. (Note: If you have not yet read my blogs on Active Listening, please do so before continuing.)

Acknowledge the Other Side

It is essential to see a situation from the other person’s point of view. As you prepare for a meeting, consider what questions and concerns the other person may have and think about how you might respond.

When you “put yourself in the other person’s shoes,” you may find that you’re able to stay more focused, be calmer, and be more respectful. It could mean a better meeting and better results for you and whoever you are speaking with.

Make a Specific Request

Having a specific request helps resolve a problem. Your request should be concrete, specific, and achievable. For example, “Could we arrange transportation for Billy to the swimming pool on Wednesday?”

Suggesting a way to solve a problem is the beginning of working toward an agreement. Remember to say it as a suggestion and not a demand. This will keep the conversation open and help you find common ground that leads to a solution that can work for everyone.

Offer an Alternative Solution (if needed)

Once you offer a solution, you may find that the other person has limited ability to carry it out. Be willing to offer alternatives that address the limitations or concerns. Offering an alternative can overcome obstacles and get you closer to your goal.
Let’s face it. Some interactions are more difficult than others. It may not be easy to find a solution for every situation. But keep trying. Listen to the other person and explore the alternatives together. Be willing to accept a solution, even if it wasn’t something you suggested. If the solution you reach helps, then it’s worth a try.

To be effective, we need to use all the problem solving skills:

Acknowledge the Other Side
Make a Specific Request
Offer an Alternative Solution (if needed)

Check Your Understanding

2011-09-10T09:00:00.000-07:00

Misunderstandings are frustrating and waste time that could be used to reinforce healthy relationships, bring you and your partner closer together, etc.
You can avoid many misunderstandings by making sure you clarify what the other person said. In other words, when the other person has finished speaking, sum up what you think you heard. This gives the person a chance to verify that you heard correctly or to clarify something by saying it again a different way.

Communicating Respectfully

2011-09-09T08:00:00.000-07:00

People are more likely to listen when you communicate respectfully. As an healthy communicator, make sure you are aware of the following things when speaking with others:

Use a neutral tone of voice
Speaking in a neutral tone is like holding the hand rail when you’re going up the stairs. You do it to keep from tripping and falling. When you’re angry or frustrated, using a calm voice can help keep you from saying things you’ll regret later. You’ll be doing your part to keep the conversation moving in a positive direction. Also, it’s more likely the person you’re talking with will hear what you’re saying.

Use Neutral Words
Avoid absolutes such as “always,” “never,” or “forever.” These words put others on the defensive.

Use “I” Statements
The word “you” can sound as if you are accusing or blaming the other person for the problem. Instead, use “I” to explain how you feel or what you think. This presents the information in a neutral, factual way. For example:

“I feel like the situation is getting worse” versus “You are making the situation worse because you keep complaining.”

“I think Sue may have difficulty accepting that type of feedback” versus “You are giving Sue the wrong type of feedback.”

Don't Interrupt
Nothing distances someone faster than interrupting. Your ideas will be better received if you let the other person finish their thought.

Get Involved!

2011-09-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Go for quality, not quantity with School Activities
Your child will benefit most from one or two activities that are fun, reinforce social development, and teach new skills. Too much scheduled time can be stressful, especially for young children, and may make it harder to concentrate on schoolwork. When evaluating extracurricular activities, consider your family schedule and personal energy level. Multiple activities per child may be too much to manage, particularly if the activities have overlapping times, disparate locations, require your attendance, or disrupt the dinner hour.

Select activities where you have someone with whom you can carpool. Even if you are available to drive most days, you will need backup sometimes. Choosing activities that occur on-site after school will also minimize driving.

Find out from the school or teacher which days will be heavy homework or test study days and schedule extracurricular activities accordingly.

If your child does not want to participate in regular, organized extracurricular activities, you may want to consider other options to help build interests and social skills. For example, check out the local library for monthly reading programs, find out if your local recreation or community center offers drop-in activities, or talk to other parents and schedule regular play dates with their children.

A "How To" on Active Listening

2011-09-08T14:40:00.000-07:00

Few skills are as important as good listening. Active listening is more than just hearing what people are saying. It means showing others that you understand what they are saying.

Some techniques you can practice to become an active listener involve basic body language. Here are a few:

Leaning slightly forward and towards the person you are listening to will show them that you are indeed interested in what they have to say.
Make sure your arms are not crossed. This could send the wrong message to the speaker.
Eye contact will show the speaker that you are paying attention to them (not your cell, other people around, the floor, etc.)
Nodding your head or say things like "uh huh" shows that you’re listening

This is a basic tutorial on how to actively listen. The next few blogs will focus on communication and will include communicating respectfully and understanding vs misunderstanding.

What to Do When Problems Arise

2011-09-03T14:00:00.000-07:00

These recommendations can contribute to a positive and productive school experience for most children. Some children may exhibit more extreme opposition to or fear of school or may be coping with more specific learning or psychological difficulties.
If your child demonstrates problems that seem extreme in nature or go on for an extended period, you may want to contact the school to set up an appointment to meet with your child’s teachers and school psychologist. They may be able to offer direct or indirect support that will help identify and reduce the presenting problem. They may also suggest other resources within the school and the community to help you address the situation.
While children can display a variety of behaviors, it is generally wise not to over-interpret those behaviors. More often than not, time and a few intervention strategies will remedy the problem. Most children are wonderfully resilient and, with your support and encouragement, will thrive throughout their school experience.

17 Phrases That Will Start a Fight

2011-09-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

1. Are we really going to….
2. First of all…
3. I already told you …
4. What is WRONG with you?
5. You always do this!
6. Why do you always have to be so…?
7. Why can’t you ever be more….?
8. You’re such a ….
9. No offense but….
10. You’re not going to like what I have to say, but…
11. Oh, so it’s like that, is it?
12. That does it!
13. I tried not to say anything about this, but…
14. Oh just lighten the [insert expletive here] up already.
15. There you go again.
16. It’s just like you to…
17. You would be like that, wouldn’t you?

What phrases put you on the defense in your marriage and other relationships? What phrases do you use that tend to put other people on the defense? Are there any phrases here that you don’t agree will lead to a fight? Why? Which of the above phrases really set you off? Why is that? Do some of these phrases work as long as the tone of voice is in check? What do you think?

Overcoming School Anxiety

2011-09-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Let your children know you care
If your child is anxious about school, send personal notes in the lunch box or book bag. Reinforce the ability to cope. Children absorb their parent’s anxiety, so model optimism and confidence for your child. Let your child know that it is natural to be a little nervous anytime you start something new but that your child will be just fine once he or she becomes familiar with classmates, the teacher, and school routine.
Do not overreact
If the first few days are a little rough, try not to over react. Young children in particular may experience separation anxiety or shyness initially but teachers are trained to help them adjust. If you drop them off, try not to linger. Reassure them that you love them, will think of them during the day, and will be back.
Remain calm and positive
Acknowledge anxiety over a bad experience the previous year. Children who had a difficult time academically or socially or were teased or bullied may be more fearful or reluctant to return to school. If you have not yet done so, share your child’s concern with the school and confirm that the problem has been addressed. Reassure your child that the problem will not occur again in the new school year, and that you and the school are working together to prevent further issues.

Reinforce your child’s ability to cope
Give your child a few strategies to manage a difficult situation on his or her own. But encourage your child to tell you or the teacher if the problem persists. Maintain open lines of communication with the school.
Plan to volunteer in the classroom
If possible, plan to volunteer in the classroom at least periodically throughout the year. Doing so helps your child understand that school and family life are linked and that you care about the learning experience. Being in the classroom is also a good way to develop a relationship with your child’s teachers and classmates, and to get firsthand exposure to the classroom environment and routine. Most teachers welcome occasional parent help, even if you cannot volunteer regularly.

Before School Starts - Prepare Yourself Parents!

2011-08-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

Getting a new school year off to a good start can influence children’s attitude, confidence, and performance both socially and academically. The transition from August to September can be difficult for both children and parents. Even children who are eager to return to class must adjust to the greater levels of activity, structure, and, for some, pressures associated with school life.
The degree of adjustment depends on the child, but parents can help their children manage the increased pace of life by planning ahead, being realistic, and maintaining a positive attitude. Here are a few suggestions to help ease the transition and promote a successful school experience.

Good physical and mental health
Be sure your child is in good physical and mental health. Schedule doctor and dental checkups early. Discuss any concerns you have over your child’s emotional or psychological development with your pediatrician or family therapist. These professionals can help determine if your concerns are normal, age-appropriate issues or require further assessment. Your child will benefit if you can identify and begin addressing a potential issue before school starts. Schools appreciate the efforts of parents to remedy problems as soon as they are recognized.

Review all of the information
Review the material sent by the school as soon as it arrives. These packets include important information about your child’s teacher, room number, school supply requirements, sign ups for after-school sports and activities, school calendar dates, bus transportation, health and emergency forms, and volunteer opportunities.

Mark your calendar
Make a note of important dates, especially back-to-school nights. This is especially important if you have children in more than one school and need to juggle obligations. Arrange for a babysitter now, if necessary.

Re-establish the bedtime and mealtime routines
Plan to re-establish the bedtime and mealtime routines (especially breakfast) at least 1 week before school starts. Prepare your child for this change by talking with your child about the benefits of school routines in terms of not becoming over tired or overwhelmed by school work and activities. Include pre-bedtime reading and household chores if these were suspended during the summer.

Turn off the TV
Encourage your child to play quiet games, do puzzles, flash cards, color, or read as early morning activities instead of watching television. This will help ease your child into the learning process and school routine. If possible, maintain this practice throughout the school year. Television is distracting for many children, and your child will arrive at school better prepared to learn each morning if he or she has engaged in less passive activities.

Designate and clear a place to do homework
Older children should have the option of studying in their room or a quiet area of the house. Younger children usually need an area set aside in the family room or kitchen to facilitate adult monitoring, supervision, and encouragement.

Need More Info? Contact Me!

2011-08-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Follow my Blog: Food For Thought!

2011-08-29T15:29:00.000-07:00

Stop, Think, and Proceed with Impulse Control

2011-08-28T16:57:00.000-07:00

Thinking back on some common threads any therapist working with school-aged children will see on a regular basis, the theme of impulsivity and impulse control comes to mind. Early childhood is marked by wide variations in behavior but for some young children, the presence of developmentally immature impulse control strains the patience of parents and teachers. This may be seen in behaviors including trouble keeping their hands to themselves or inappropriate and goofy statements. Play dates disappear as word gets around to other parents, self-esteem suffers under the weight of admonishments from authorities, and parents narrow the child’s exposure to certain people and places due to the impulse triggers lurking in life.

Consider these tips to help your child improve impulse control:

Introduce simple strategies
Introducing simple strategies under controlled conditions can be beneficial. These techniques should be practiced at home and rehearsed before events potential issues can arise. For example, if you know your child tends to impulsively meltdown during sports, model how to “breathe” when playing ball with them by taking deep breaths after every ten throws during baseball or basketball.

Another idea is creating an imaginary "pause button" to use during times when they must contend with one of their impulse triggers. Create a physical form of "touching this pause button that is easy to remember like touching your forehead or snapping your fingers until they learn how to do it silently in their mind.

Develop fun games
My favorite impulse control technique? Games! Not only are games fun, they can be incredibly therapeutic especially for some impulsive children. Any board game requiring turn-taking will function as healthy impulse control practice. Consider giving extra praise to children who remember to put their hands in their lap after their turn. Parents are often surprised at how quickly children generalize these techniques to classroom and home life.

Adopt a Healthy Lifestyle

2011-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

You can increase your resistance to stress by strengthening your physical health.

• Exercise regularly. Physical activity plays a key role in reducing and preventing the effects of stress. Make time for at least 30 minutes of exercise, three times per week. Nothing beats aerobic exercise for releasing pent-up stress and tension.

• Eat a healthy diet. Well-nourished bodies are better prepared to cope with stress, so be mindful of what you eat. Start your day right with breakfast, and keep your energy up and your mind clear with balanced, nutritious meals throughout the day.

• Reduce caffeine and sugar. The temporary "highs" caffeine and sugar provide often end in with a crash in mood and energy. By reducing the amount of coffee, soft drinks, chocolate, and sugar snacks in your diet, you’ll feel more relaxed and you’ll sleep better.

• Avoid alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs. Self-medicating with alcohol or drugs may provide an easy escape from stress, but the relief is only temporary. Don’t avoid or mask the issue at hand; deal with problems head on and with a clear mind.

• Get enough sleep. Adequate sleep fuels your mind, as well as your body. Feeling tired will increase your stress because it may cause you to think irrationally.

Make Fun and Relax

2011-08-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you’ll be in a better place to handle life’s stressors when they inevitably come.

Here are several healthy ways to relax and recharge, rather than the coping mechanisms mentioned last week in my blog entitled, "How Do You Cope?"

• Go for a walk.
• Call a good friend.
• Go to the gym.
• Write in your journal.
• Take a long bath.
• Play with a pet.
• Work in your garden.
• Get a massage.
• Curl up with a good book.
• Listen to music.
• Watch a funny movie.

Don’t get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that you forget to take care of your own needs. Nurturing yourself is a necessity, not a luxury.

• Set aside relaxation time. Include rest and relaxation in your daily schedule. Don’t allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.

• Connect with others. Spend time with positive people who enhance your life. A strong support system will buffer you from the negative effects of stress.

• Do something you enjoy every day. Make time for leisure activities that bring you joy, whether it be going on a nice hike, playing the piano, or working on your bike.

• Keep your sense of humor. This includes the ability to laugh at yourself. The act of laughing helps your body fight stress in a number of ways.

You can control your stress levels with relaxation techniques that evoke the body’s relaxation response, a state of restfulness that is the opposite of the stress response. Regularly practicing these techniques will build your physical and emotional resilience and boost your overall feelings of joy and relaxation.

Hoarding – An Often Undiagnosed Mental Illness

2011-08-22T19:10:00.000-07:00

Hoarding - An Often Undiagnosed Mental Illness
By Catherine Walker

Collecting and hoarding are very different. Collecting is a practice where people gather collections of objects which are in some way considered interesting or valuable. Hoarding is characterised by the following:

Excessive clutter that precludes activities for which the living space was designed
The acquisition of and failure to discard a large number of possessions
Significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding

There was a very interesting article on ‘hoarding’ in the Psychiatric Times last week which brought this condition into the spotlight. It says that hoarding has broad-reaching implications, including a substantial public health burden linked to occupational impairment, poor physical health and demand or social services.

The effects of hoarding not only have implications of burden to the community but also strains family dynamics. Considerable distress, hostility, rejection and frustration area not uncommon.

The implications for people who hoard may include work impairment, eviction or threat of eviction and can lead to having a child or elder taken from their home. In general people who hoard do not seek treatment until after the age of 40 even though hoarding commonly begins in early teenage years. Those who hoard tend to live alone and may have a family member with the problem.

Fore more information, please visit http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/news/775-hoarding-%E2%80%93-an-often-undiagnosed-mental-illness.html

Accept the Things You Cannot Change

2011-08-22T10:00:00.000-07:00

Some sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than fighting a system that you can't change.
• Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control— particularly the behavior of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.

• Look for the upside. When facing major challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.

• Share your feelings. Talk to a trusted friend or make an appointment with a therapist. Expressing what you’re going through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation.

• Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments.

Adapt to the Stressor

2011-08-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

If you can’t change the stressor, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude about the issue.

• Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favorite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.

• Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.

• Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a major source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with “good enough.”

• Focus on the positive. When stress is getting you down, take a moment to reflect on all the things you appreciate in your life, including your own positive qualities and gifts. This simple strategy can help you keep things in perspective.

And last but not least, adjust your attitude. How you think can have a profound effect on your emotional and physical well-being. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. If you see good things about yourself, you are more likely to feel good; the reverse is also true. Eliminate words such as "always," "never," "should," and "must." These are telltale marks of self-defeating thoughts.

Alter the Situation

2011-08-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

The next stress management strategy to consider, altering the situation.

If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it.
Figure out what you can do to change things so the problem doesn’t present itself in the future. Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

• Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you don’t voice your feelings, resentment will build and the situation will likely remain the same.

• Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behavior, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you’ll have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.

• Be more assertive. Don’t take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them. If you’ve got an exam to study for and your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk.

• Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you’re stretched too thin and running behind, it’s hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you’re under.

Avoid the Stressor

2011-08-19T09:30:00.000-07:00

If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress, but they all require change. You can either change the situation or change your reaction.

Avoid unnecessary stress
Not all stress can be avoided, and it’s not healthy to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed. You may be surprised, however, by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

• Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, don't take on more than you can handle. Remember to refuse to accept added responsibilities when you’re close to reaching your limit.

• Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life and you can’t turn the relationship around, limit the amount of time you spend with that person or end the relationship entirely.

• Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic’s got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route.

• Avoid hot-button topics – If you get upset over religion or politics, cross them off your conversation list. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it’s the topic of discussion.

• Pare down your to-do list – Analyze your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks. If you’ve got too much on your plate, distinguish between the “shoulds” and the “musts.” Drop tasks that aren’t truly necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.

Since everyone has a unique response to stress, there is no “one size fits all” solution to managing it. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

How Do You Cope?

2011-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

As corny as this may sound, it works. Keeping a stress journal may be the beginning to resolving your stress. A stress journal can help you identify the regular stressors in your life and the way you deal with them. Each time you feel stressed, keep track of it in your journal, on on your pad of paper, or on your post-its. Whatever works for you. As you keep a daily log, you will begin to see patterns and common themes.

Here is what to write down:

• What caused your stress (make a guess if you’re unsure).
• How you felt, both physically and emotionally.
• How you acted in response.
• What you did to make yourself feel better.

Look at how you currently cope with stress

Think about the ways you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Your stress journal can help you identify them. Are your coping strategies healthy or unhealthy, helpful or unproductive? Unfortunately, many people cope with stress in ways that compound the problem.

These coping strategies may temporarily reduce stress, but they cause more damage in the long run:
• Smoking
• Drinking too much
• Overeating or undereating
• Zoning out for hours in front of the TV or computer
• Withdrawing from friends, family, and activities
• Using pills or drugs to relax
• Sleeping too much
• Procrastinating
• Filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems
• Taking out your stress on others (lashing out, angry outbursts, physical violence)

Learning healthier ways to manage stress
If your methods of coping with stress aren’t contributing to your greater emotional and physical health, it’s time to find healthier ones. There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress, but they all require change.

Feeling Stressed Out?

2011-08-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

Stress can be the most annoying feeling a person can have, or annoying those around you. Sometimes it's obvious what/who/why we are stressed. A foreclosure, a job loss, two parking tickets in one day, etc. Other times, we can't pinpoint what exactly is causing this irritable feeling, we just know that it is affecting us, negatively.

Perhaps it feels as though there is nothing you can do about your stress level. The bills aren’t going to stop coming, there will never be more hours in the day for all your errands, and your career responsibilities will always be demanding. But, you have a lot more control than you might think. In fact, the simple realization that YOU are in control of your life is the foundation of stress management.

Managing stress is all about taking charge: taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment, and the way you deal with problems. The ultimate goal is a balanced life, with time for work, relationships, relaxation, and fun – plus the resilience to hold up under pressure and meet challenges head on. My next sequence of blogs are dedicated to reducing, preventing and coping with stress. Here is step one for our de-stressing adventure.

Identifying the sources of stress in your life
This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Your true sources of stress aren’t always obvious, and it’s all too easy to overlook your own stress-inducing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Sure, you may know that you’re constantly worried about work deadlines. But maybe it’s your procrastination, rather than the actual job demands, that leads to deadline stress.

To identify your true sources of stress, look closely at your habits, attitude, and excuses:

• Do you explain away stress as temporary (“I just have so much to do today”) even though you can’t remember the last time you took a breather and just relaxed?

• Do you define stress as an integral part of your work or home life (“Things are always hectic around here”) or as a part of your personality (“I just love keeping super busy”).

Until you accept responsibility for the role you play in creating or maintaining it, your stress level will remain outside your control.

How to Talk So Others Will Listen

2011-08-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

As most of us know, talking and listening don't go smoothly every time. Emotions and past experiences can often get in the way.

Will people take you seriously, believe what you say, listen to and respect your opinions, and hear you out without interrupting? A lot depends on the actual person. Some people are easy to talk to, some are great listeners, and some are harder to approach. Sound familiar? If you are reading this, you can probably think of a person with each of the previous listening styles.

The good news is this- Some of what happens depends on you, too. Since communication is a two-way street, the way you talk can influence how well a person listens and understands you.

So here are some quick and simple guidelines to consider when speaking to others:

Be clear and direct. Be as clear as you can about what you think, feel, and want. Give details that can help others understand your situation. They can listen better or be more helpful if they understand what you mean and what's really going on.

Be honest. If you're always honest, others will be likely to believe what you say. If you sometimes hide the truth or add too much drama, people will have a harder time believing what you tell them. If you lie, they'll find it hard to trust you.

Try to understand their point of view. If you have a disagreement, can you see the other persons' side? If you can, say so. Telling others you understand their views and feelings helps them be willing to see yours, too.

Try not to argue or whine. Using a tone that's friendly and respectful makes it more likely others will listen and take what you say seriously. It also makes it more likely that they'll talk to you in the same way. Of course, this is hard for any of us when we're feeling heated about something. If you think your emotions might get the better of you, do something to blow off steam before talking: Go for a run. Cry. Listen to music. Do whatever it takes to sound calm when you need to.
What If This Doesn't Work?

Others won't always see things your way and you won't always get what you want. They might listen respectfully, understand your point of view, and do everything you need except agree. It can be hard to take no for an answer. But gracefully accepting a no can help you get more yeses in the future.

What if it's more than just saying no to something, though? What if you really need your someone to be there for you but they can't? Some people have troubles of their own. Others just can't be available in the ways their you may need and deserve. Others have a hard time being flexible.

If you can't talk to a specific person, seek out others you can trust. Find another friend who will listen, understand, encourage, believe in you, and care. Then follow all the tips above to get the most from your conversation with that person.

Raising Difficult Topics

2011-08-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

My last blog referenced the most simple and convenient communication technique, chit chatting. This is a great base of convo, but eventually we will need to discuss difficult topics.

Maybe you need to break bad news to your spouse or a good friend. Perhaps you're feeling scared or stressed about something. Or maybe you don't know how they'll react, how it will feel to tell them, or how to find the words. Here are three steps to help you prepare for the talk.

Step 1: Know What You Want From the Conversation
Most adults aren't so good at this. We begin a conversation before really knowing what we want out of it. What you hope to achieve can vary. Most often you'll probably want the other person to do one of these things:

-listen and understand what you're going through without offering advice or commentary
-give permission or support for something
-offer you advice or help
-guide you back on track— in a way that's fair and without harsh criticism or put-downs

Why think about this before you begin talking? So you can say why you want to talk in a way that communicates what you need. It might look something like this: "Molly, I need to tell you about a problem I'm having, but I need you to just listen, okay? Don't give me advice — I just want you to know what's bothering me."

Step 2: Identify Your Feelings
Things like personal feelings or sex are awkward to discuss with anyone. It's natural to be nervous when talking about sensitive topics.

Recognize how you're feeling — for example, maybe you're worried that telling someone about a problem will make them disappointed or upset. But instead of letting those feelings stop you from talking, put them into words as part of the conversation. For example: "Jeff, I need to talk to you about something — but it's kind of embarrassing."

What if you think this person may be unsupportive, harsh, or critical? It can help to defuse things by beginning with a statement like, "Sara, I have something to tell you. I'm not proud of what I've done, and you might be mad. But I know I need to tell you. Can you hear me out?"

Step 3: Pick a Good Time to Talk
Approach this person when he or she isn't busy with something else. Ask, "Can we talk? Is now a good time?" Driving in the car or going for a walk can be great opportunities to talk. If it's hard to find a good time, say, "I need to talk to you. When is a good time?"

Difficult conversations benefit from good planning. Think ahead about what you want to say or ask. Write down the most important ideas if you need to.

Talk About Everyday Stuff- And Do It Every Day

2011-08-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

Working with children on a regular basis has taught me something very important about our society. As adults, we sometimes forget the basics. Children ask, "Why can't my parent's ever see my side?" And my only response- sometimes we forget to try. So, for all of you adults out there, here is one, very simple communication techniques that you may be overlooking: Talk about everyday stuff — and do it every day.

The more you do something, the easier it gets. Talking to the people in your life about everyday stuff builds a bond that can smooth the way for when you need to discuss something more serious.

Find something trivial to chat about each day. Talk about the Dodger game. Share something one of your coworkers said. Even small talk about what's for dinner can keep your relationship strong and comfortable.

It's never too late to start. If you feel your relationship with your friends, children, or spouse is strained, try easing into conversations. Mention that cute thing the dog did. Talk about how well your son is doing in math. Chatting every day not only keeps an existing relationship strong, it also can help a frayed relationship get stronger.
When people feel connected to your daily life, they can be there for you if something really important comes up.

AUSB Alumna Kandace Overgaag Shines as Self Confidence Counselor

2011-08-09T18:51:00.000-07:00

AUSB Alumna Kandace Overgaag Shines as Self Confidence Counselor

Kandace Overgaag, M.A. in Clinical Psychology Class of 2008, is known as The Sorority Therapist and believes everyone can "learn to love the skin you're in!"

Kandace has a special way of encouraging young women to feel more confident about who they are inside and out.

The Antioch University Santa Barbara 2008 graduate received her Master's Degree in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy. Since her graduation, Kandace has been a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern specializing in individual psychotherapy, and is currently practicing under the supervision of Shannon Miles, MFT. As a therapist, Kandace has helped young people to live happier, more fulfilling lives. She believes that therapy is a positive, growth-oriented process. Kandace works with patients on a variety of life's challenges including self-esteem issues.
As an adolescent Kandace Overgaag knew that she wanted to work with people. She always liked public speaking, communication and learning new things. Naturally the field of Mental Health was a perfect fit. Kandace's work with sororities is a large portion of who she serves in her private practice. She also does a significant amount of volunteer work in the group setting, specifically during Eating Disorder Awareness month every February. Every session is tailored to the needs of the participants, and may include topics including transitions, coping skills, communication techniques, assertiveness, self-esteem and relationship issues. Overgaag really enjoys her work with young women in the sororities as well as students from SBCC and UCSB.
Mrs. Overgaag has presented at national conferences and to general audiences on topics including learning disabilities in children and adults, promoting self-esteem, and disordered eating. She teaches classes for Carp Cares for Youth during the Summer and is studying for her licensure exams with the California Board of Behavioral Sciences.

Kandace currently resides in Santa Barbara and enjoys the sense of community and the small town feel that this area is best known for. She has two puppies and was recently married to her wonderful husband. They both enjoy traveling and visited Japan, Mexico and Italy together last year.

When asked about her experience at Antioch University Santa Barbara, Kandace Overgaag said:
"The University focused on the clinical experience piece, which was really important to me. I knew my ultimate goal was to be self-employed in a private practice. The professors encouraged me to explore traineeship sites and obtain the experience that I needed for my specific goal. Small class sizes helped with the one on one instruction each of us needed, as we all had different goals after graduate school. Not to mention, Antioch University is conveniently located in Santa Barbara, the most beautiful town in the world."

Kandace shares this message for prospective students of Antioch University Santa Barbara:
"Grad school is a life changing experience. Regardless of your age, this is a time where you will grow as a person and discover who you are going to be for the rest of your life. The Clinical Psychology program at Antioch University is a unique and fascinating method to earn the degree of a lifetime and meet some fascinating people along the way."

Kandace Overgaag, MA, MFT Intern provides individual, couples, group and family counseling. For more information on this Antioch Alumni please visit therapeuticbenefits.com.

Read more about the Antioch University difference.

Teen Communication Workshop A Success!

2011-08-09T18:47:00.001-07:00

Get What You Want: Helping Teens Develop Healthy Relationship Skills

2011-05-20T09:45:00.000-07:00

You can probably think of at least one conversation in which you felt completely connected to the person you were talking with -- and at least one conversation you left feeling dissatisfied because of a lack of understanding between you and the other person.

For instance, consider the following conversation:
Teen: "Hey, can I go to Jamie's tomorrow night?"
Parent: "Will Jamie's parents be there? Who else will be there?"

The teenager could respond appropriately to, and compromise with, her parent or -- the teenager could react in a different way, perhaps left feeling frustrated and unheard.

Teaching children communication skills early on has a significant impact on their success in several sectors. Not only does it improve family interactions, it cultivates healthy peer relationships and enhances classroom performance. By exploring and practicing skills such as active listening, clarification, direct response and negotiation, parents can help children manage their own emotions successfully.

Although you can't guarantee that every conversation will be great, with a handful of skills, communication can be easier and more satisfying.

Sponsored by Carp Cares for Youth and the City of Carpinteria, Kandace will be offering a free seminar for local teens in the Carpinteria area on Thursday, August 4th, 2011. Teens will explore topics including negotiation, assertiveness, and compromise. For more information visit www.carpcares.org or email info@carpcares.org

Kandace Overgaag is a Marriage and Family Therapist Intern and is currently practicing in the Santa Barbara area. Kandace believes that therapy is a positive, growth-oriented process. She works with patients on a variety of life's challenges including self-esteem issues, relationship problems, effective communication and more. Visit www.therapeuticbenefits.com for more information.

Attend Kids and Divorce: What Therapists Need to Know via @constantcontact

2011-02-04T13:27:00.000-08:00

http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Attend-Kids-and-Divorce--What-Therapists-Need-to-Know.html?soid=1102253797257&aid=dehlodHCpLE

Stop Bullying Now!

2010-02-09T21:23:00.000-08:00

Bullying among children is aggressive behavior that is persistent, intentional, and involves an imbalance of power or strength. Children and youth who are bullied need clear messages of support from adults. Although we want children to be strong and assertive so that they can stand up to kids who bully, adults must realize that many children aren't ready to do this. Adults play critical roles in helping students who are bullied and in creating a healthy, safe climate in your school and community.

Here are some tips to help a child or adolescent who is bullied:

Don't do further damage by lending too much support in public
Spend time with the student. Listen and learn what is going on
Praise the student for their courage to talk about it
Ask the student what he needs to feel safe
Don't force a meeting between the student and the bully
Encourage and support the student in making friends
Make a referral, if needed
Follow up with student

The information is provided for educational purposes. These are just a few thoughts bullying, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Five Simple Self Esteem Builders

2010-01-31T11:30:00.000-08:00

With hard work and determination, you can change your self concept and raise your self esteem. One thing that you must keep in mind is that you are the only one who can help yourself! So if you are ready to make this difficult but beautiful change in your life, read on to see how assistance from a counselor can help you lift your self esteem. A counselor can help you:

Believe In Yourself
It is not always easy to love yourself. A counselor will help you with the techniques that will help you not to be harsh on yourself; to believe that it is okay to make mistakes and important to forgive yourself for them.

Gather The Courage
It is sometimes easier to be motivated by someone else than by yourself. Counseling helps you take control of your life. It also helps you realize that you shouldn’t let others live your life for you; that you have to be confident enough to make your own decisions. If you make this change in your life, it will definitely make you feel better and you will begin to start respecting yourself more and more.

Be Optimistic
Talking negatively to yourself is a common problem and one that can be overcome with help. Reinforcing negative statements to yourself like ‘I’m not worth it’ play havoc in your mind. They shatter you emotionally and hinder your progress. An important part of building self esteem is replacing negative thoughts with positive ones that build self confidence.

Participate In Life
It is important to love people and develop lasting relationships. Even if you can’t succeed at first, appreciate yourself for at least trying! A counselor can show you another perspective on the outside world. You must trust yourself first and then give those around you an honest try.

Establish A Purpose
Set achievable goals for your future with the help of your counselor. Start with very small goals like ‘I’ll get up early in the morning.’ Then, gradually stretch your limit. Accomplishing these goals will give you the confidence and strength and help you improve your self-worth.

Self esteem is very important to be successful in life and to protect yourself from being used and abused. It creates a feel-good factor in us which makes us like ourselves and others like us. Irrespective of how we fare in life, high self esteem always keeps us going. Our self concept must not depend on our success, failure or what people think about us. It depends upon what we think about ourselves. So elevate your self esteem today and feel good about who you are!

The information is provided for educational purposes. These are just a few thoughts self esteem building, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Common Myths of Therapy

2010-01-27T20:52:00.000-08:00

Myth: I don't need a therapist. I can just talk to my friends.

Fact: While the support of friends and family is important, therapy is different. Therapists are professionally trained as listeners to help you get to the root of your problems and guide you to a solution.

Myth: Therapy is only for mentally ill people who can't handle their problems.

Fact: Therapy is for people who have enough self-awareness to realize they need a helping hand. Therapy helps you learn tools and techniques to improve your intimate relationships and quality of life.

Myth: The therapist will fix my problems.

Fact: The therapist focuses on the unhealthy patterns and symptoms in your life that you need to change. The therapist is somewhat like a personal trainer in a gym – they can be a guide, but you still have to do the work.

The information is provided for educational purposes. If you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Why do I feel Blue during Grey weather?

2010-01-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

Seasonal affective disorder (also called SAD) is a type of depression that occurs at the same time every year. If you're like most people with seasonal affective disorder, your symptoms start in the fall and may continue into the winter months, sapping your energy and making you feel moody. Less often, seasonal affective disorder causes depression in the spring or early summer.

Don't brush off that yearly feeling as simply a case of the "winter blues" or a seasonal funk that you have to tough out on your own — you may have seasonal affective disorder. Treatment for seasonal affective disorder includes light therapy (phototherapy), psychotherapy and medications. Addressing the problem can help you keep your mood and motivation steady throughout the year.

Especially if your seasonal depression symptoms are severe, you may need medications, light therapy or other treatments to manage seasonal affective disorder. However, there are some measures you can do on your own that may help, such as:

Make your environment sunnier and brighter. Open blinds, add skylights and trim tree branches that block sunlight. Sit closer to bright windows while at home or in the office.

Get outside. Take a long walk, eat lunch at a nearby park, or simply sit on a bench and soak up the sun. Even on cold or cloudy days, outdoor light can help — especially if you spend some time outside within two hours of getting up in the morning.

Exercise regularly. Physical exercise helps relieve stress and anxiety, both of which can increase seasonal affective disorder symptoms. Being more fit can make you feel better about yourself, too, which can lift your mood.

The information is provided for educational purposes. These are just a few thoughts on depression, seasonal affective disorder, and dreary weather. If you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

De-Stress Your Holiday Season

2009-12-18T20:41:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here! The holidays are here! The simple ring of those few words surely increase your blood pressure as you contemplate calling in sick for the in-laws infamous drunken debauchery of a Christmas dinner and scramble to find tape to finish wrapping your son's Zhu Zhu pet.

But, it doesn't have to be this way. The holidays do not have to be a stressful time and if you are careful to follow these four simple tips to de-stress yourself around the holidays.

1. Reassess and Prioritize
Holiday stress sets in when you try to do it all. To cope, take some time out, rethink what's stressing you out, and look for alternatives.
2. Delegate
Does the house need cleaning or decorating? Let each family member be responsible for a room.

3. Don't Give in to the "Gimmes"
"I want, I want!" And yes, I have been guilty of this as well as my boyfriend will confess. This familiar phrase can wear parents down over the holidays, but giving in to your child's every request can cause financial distress.

4. Be Realistic About Relatives
When the in-laws visit this season, have realistic expectations for the short term. Don't try to solve past issues with family members over the holidays.
The information is provided for educational purposes. These are just a few thoughts do decrease anxiety and stress during difficult times, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Quick and Easy Self Esteem Builders

2009-11-06T15:21:00.000-08:00

Building healthy self-esteem is a concern for parents. A key to ensuring a child feels good about herself (or himself) is to take small persistent action.
Small persistent action is about doing something every single day to help your child build self-esteem. It is also the key to happiness, success and joy. Simple actions such as as a sincere compliment, a genuine acknowledgement of a job well done, or a powerful comment about a child's special quality, trait or talent are all powerful builders of healthy self-esteem.

The information is provided for educational purposes. These are just a few thoughts self esteem building in children, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Therapeutic Benefits: RSVP Yes to Relationships

2009-11-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

Therapeutic Benefits: RSVP Yes to Relationships

Friends With Benefits

2009-11-01T16:30:00.000-08:00

To some, it may seem like an ideal relationship, less stressful than an affair, longer lived than a fling or that elusive one-night stand. You can even sit around in your sweats and watch “Friends” reruns together, feeling vaguely reassured.Yet relationships in which close friends begin having sex come with their own brand of awkwardness, according to the first study to explore the dynamics of such pairs, often called friends with benefits, or F.W.B, obvi.
The relationships tend to have little romantic passion, but stir the same fears that stalk lovers: namely, that one person will fall harder than the other.

Paradoxically, and perhaps predictably, these physical friendships often occlude one of the emotional arteries of real friendship, openness. Friends who could once talk about anything now have an unstated taboo topic — the relationship itself. In every conversation, there is innuendo; in every room, an elephant.

Teen Time!

2009-10-27T16:53:00.000-07:00

As a teenager, you may be dealing with lots of emotional highs and lows. One minute you might feel great, and the next you feel sad and tearful. This kind of shift in your moods is okay!
Your life is changing, just like your body. These mood swings are not just hormones - you may be feeling a lot more pressure these days, and you are still developing the skills you need to deal with that pressure. You may be facing added responsibilities at home, tougher grading policies in school and your friends may be changing.
As you grow older you will develop the skills you need to manage stress, but for now, just remember you are in a tough spot and need all the support you can get. Reach out to adults and friends -- there is always someone there who cares for you.

The information is provided for educational purposes. Please understand that this information is not intended to be, and should not be used as, a substitute for medical treatment by a health care professional. These are just a few thoughts on emotions and teen emotions, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

What is DBT?

2009-09-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

We've all heard of CBT, or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but what is this DBT? DBT stands for Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, it combines many of the successfull techniques used in CBT and incorporates methodologies from various practices including Eastern mindfulness techniques.

DBT not only has evolved as a treatment for borderline personality disorder but also has been adapted for treating substance abuse in borderlines and for eating disorders. Current research is investigating DBT adapted for depressed elderly persons, for couples and families, and for suicidal adolescents.

DBT can be used as indiviudal therapy as well as couples and group therapy. Here are a few of the skills explored in Dialiectical Behavioral Therapy.

Mindfulness skills, which are versions of Eastern spiritual training, include observing, describing, participating in the here and now, taking a non-judgmental stance, focusing on one thing in the moment, and being effective.

Interpersonal effectiveness skills include basic assertiveness training: how to set goals and priorities in relationships, guidelines for keeping a relationship, maintaining one's self-respect, and a cognitive challenging of common myths about relationships.
Emotion regulation skills include myths about emotions, ways to describe emotions, guidelines for staying out of emotion mind, steps for increasing positive emotions, and using opposite emotions. Clients learn to do a chain analysis of problem behaviors.

Distress tolerance skills include distraction, self-soothing, listing pros and cons, visual imagery, relaxation, prayer, breathing exercises and "half-smiling exercises" reminiscent of Buddha's serene expression.

The information is provided for educational purposes. Please understand that this information is not intended to be, and should not be used as, a substitute for medical treatment by a health care professional. These are just a few thoughts on Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.
References include Linehan, Marsha M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.

Think About Thinking!

2009-09-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Do you feel as though you know people who just don't seem to "get it?" Have you noticed that these people often make irrational decisions, have impulsive thoughts, or use black and white thinking? Here is a little information on cognitive development which you may find interesting and may be beneficial in some of your adult relationships as well.

Cognitive development refers to the development of the ability to think abstractly and reason. This generally occurs during adolescence. While there are phases of cognitive development occuring from childhood to early adulthood, ideally- the sooner the better.

If you are interested in learning more about early development, check out Erik Erikson's theory of development: http://www.learningplaceonline.com/stages/organize/Erikson.htm

There is a lot of information out there on adolescent cognitive development. Here are a few of the basic points regarding development of the more complex thinking processes.

Adolescence marks the beginning development of more complex thinking processes (also called formal logical operations) including abstract thinking (thinking about possibilities), the ability to reason from known principles (form own new ideas or questions), the ability to consider many points of view according to varying criteria (compare or debate ideas or opinions), and the ability to think about the process of thinking.

What encourages healthy cognitive development during adolescence?

The following suggestions will help to encourage positive and healthy cognitive development in the adolescent. In some cases, the following suggestions may help in communiating with those you initially thought of when reading the first paragraph.

Include adolescents in discussions about a variety of topics, issues, and current events.
Encourage adolescents to share ideas and thoughts with you.
Encourage adolescents to think independently and develop their own ideas.
Assist adolescents in setting their own goals.
Stimulate adolescents to think about possibilities of the future.
Compliment and praise adolescents for well thought out decisions.
Assist adolescents in re-evaluating poorly made decisions for themselves.

The information is provided for educational purposes. Please understand that this information is not intended to be, and should not be used as, a substitute for medical treatment by a health care professional. These are just a few thoughts on cognitive development, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Stop Suicide!

2009-09-21T13:54:00.000-07:00

Suicide is the 8th leading cause of death in the United States, with over 30,000 Americans dying from it each year. Be aware that most people don't commit suicide because they want to die. They commit suicide as a way to get away from the constant battle that is their life, and the emotions that they feel will never end.

Here are SOME of the warning signs of suicide, and what can be done to prevent it. There are many additional warning signs, if you think someone you know may be suicidal, do something immediately.

Warning signs:
Talking about suicide
Has trouble eating or sleeping
Increases their use of alcohol or drugs
Drastic changes in behavior
Withdraws from friends or social activities
Suddenly happier, calmer
Loss of interest in things one cares about such as hobbies, work, or school
Things you can do to help a person who may be suicidal:
Be straightforward; talk openly about suicide; don't skirt the issue
Be willing to listen. Accept their feelings; Express yours; accept theirs
Be non-judgmental
Be available; be involved
Take action; Remove any means they may have to commit suicide such as guns or stockpiled pills
Get help from agencies specialized in crisis intervention.

In Santa Barbara, call 9-1-1 to be assessed by trained professionals immediately.
Suggest resources for them to get help including 2-1-1 in Santa Barbara.
Suggest a Private Therapist or Counselor.

New Roommates? Need Help?

2009-09-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

While some colleges attempt to match roommates based on information gathered on housing forms (majors, hobbies, regions of the country), a match is never guaranteed. It's not unusual to end up with roommates who are stiff and structured, social butterflies and nose-in-the-book academics -- all in one room.

Here are some successful tips to help adjust to your new roomie situation.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

A key to successful adjustment is communication. You need to share openly on such issues as cleanliness, visitation, music, study time and lights out.

Balance Compromise
Keep a balance of rights and compromise. Be flexible, but not at the expense of your studies or health. Honor your roomie's rights to guests and socializing; after all, they are paying for the room, too.

Set Policies
Whether you or your roommate has a car, set policies on borrowing the car or giving rides, taking into consideration gas, mechanical expenses and scheduling. Set a policy about borrowing each other's clothes to avoid problems when clothing is borrowed without asking. Set a policy about whatever it is you think could potentially be an issue in advance.

And remember, you aren't the only one who is homesick, disoriented or undergoing roommate conflict. There is help available. These are just a few tips for successfull roommate situations, if you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Get Some Sleep

2009-09-12T17:48:00.000-07:00

Although the average college student needs 8-9 hours of sleep each night, between school, studying and work, not enough students are getting the recommended amount of sleep. Some of the common and simple side effects are daytime drowsiness, decreased mental activity and concentration, irritability, memory lapses, weight gain or weight loss.

Other side effects that can occur and become serious problems are clinical depression, hallucinations, hand tremors, hyperactivity, hypertension, lucid dreaming, nystagmus (rapid involuntary rhythmic eye movement) and psychosis.

These are just a few effects of sleep deprevation, if you would like more information on sleep disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Best Friends Always Stick Together

2009-09-10T22:19:00.000-07:00

Sofia, a friend's daughter gave me the idea for this blog. After this bright five year old drafted the thought, "Best Friends Always Stick Together" I realized, at what age do we realize friendship is more than just a need for functional play, but a need for companionship, a need of basic functioning, and necessary for an efficient support system? If a five year old can grasp the concept that building social relations is an important function in life, than adults should also be able to comprehend the necessity of active and effective communication skills.

Here is a five minute lesson on communication skills, for more information on communication therapy in Santa Barbara, visit my website at http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ or call for a free phone consultation at 805.234.7409.

How do we communicate?
An amazing 90% of communication is nonverbal. This means that the actual words that you use only accounts for 10% of what is communicated in your relationships. This is a remarkable stat that I often spout out and the response is always the same, "How is this true?" Think about it. Eye contact, inflection, tone, body movements, posture, etc. etc. etc.

What can get in the way of effective communication?
Assumptions, we all know assumptions make an ass out of you and me.
Patterns of behavior, some patterns benefit us, but many are detrimental.
Needing to be right, we all know someone who fits this discription.
Avoiding conflict, people get confused by this one, but it's true!

More on conflict resolution:
One of the purposes of conflict is to arrive at a resolution, so if you avoid conflict, the problem will only get worse. The earlier you can identify that there is a problem and intervene, the better it will be. Additional conflict resolution techniques include:
Agreement (find something, anything you agree with with the opposing argument)
Bridge Building
Using "I" rather than "You" Statements

These are just a few tips and ideas for effective communication, if you would like more information on conflict resolution, communication techniques or relationship issues, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, low cost therapy in Santa Barbara, and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Thank you Sofia, for your great idea!

Instant Soother for a Stress-Free Day

2009-09-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

Each morning, think about one little, enjoyable thing you plan to do that day (look through the new In Style, do a crossword puzzle, call an old friend) and one bigger pleasure on the horizon (Sands beach weekend, your trip to the mountains, Spring Break). This ritual trains your brain to focus away from what can go wrong that day.

Are you feeling stressed? If you would like more information on stress management techniques or anxiety disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources, therapy in Santa Barbara and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Happiness begets happiness.

2009-09-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

People are surprised they have to work on happiness. This work can include meditation, exercise and maintaining relationships, behaviors that researchers have now proven can make us feel better. When we're bolstered by the positive-a friend or a happy tune or, a heartfelt commitment to optimist- our perceptions are more positive, enabling us to believe that life, even when it's difficult, is essentially good. In short, happiness begets happiness.

Are you feeling unhappy? If you would like more information on stress management techniques or anxiety disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

How much does your cheer cost?

2009-08-12T12:46:00.000-07:00

In these stressful times, it's easy to catastrophize. "What if I lose my job?" or "This could be the next Great Depression!" But there's reassuring news. The stuff we believe will make us miserable won't leave us feeling nearly as unhappy as we predict.

The key factors to life satisfaction have little to do with money and everything to do with your relationships, following your passions and having a purpose. Try this exercise to feel instantly calmer about the future.

1.) Write down the top five things that make you happy, whether it's spending time with friends, being out in nature or trying a new activity.

example:
Talking with my old roommate COST $ 0
______________________ COST $ ___
______________________ COST $ ___
______________________ COST $ ___
______________________ COST $ ___

2.) Then estimate how much each costs. You'll probably find most of the things that make you grin have nothing to do with your 401(k).

Are you feeling stressed? If you would like more information on stress management techniques or anxiety disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Relationship Advice

2009-08-06T14:26:00.000-07:00

Are you seeking some relationship advice because you're sick and tired of your romantic relationships being a place of pain? Maybe you're an eternal single looking for dating advice. Or you're in a partnership of pain and would love advice that will help you get out of it.

Whatever your situation it's likely you've been working for years to improve things. If it were down to willpower, effort and relationship advice from friends you'd have changed them years ago. But you know something? All the hope and effort in the world won't change them!

Why?

Because unless you find out where your issues really lie, and resolve them, you are destined to repeat the same mistakes.

If you would like more information, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Would You Rather Be a Mermaid or a Whale?

2009-07-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

I received this email from a friend. Please enjoy it and feel free to forward it yourself.

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said: THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded:

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans).
They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia .
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex?
Therefore they don't have kids either.
Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a coffee with my friends.

Stressed Out?

2009-07-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

Any sort of change causes stress, even good changes -- summer break, in-between classes at school, or a major break-up. You feel the tension caused by stress in your shoulders, in your neck. You lose sleep, feel depressed, and feel tired. The long-term effects of stress are much worse: stress ups your risk for heart disease, mental distress, and weight gain.

This summer, practice a few simple tips for stress relief. Enjoy regular exercise. Walking is a good way to reduce stress. Sometimes, just learning to accept what you cannot change can help ease the burden of stress. Meditation and yoga are two stress-management techniques that help train your body to relieve stress.

Are you feeling stressed? If you know someone who has one or several of these symptoms, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on stress management techniques or anxiety disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

I Only Drink on the Weekends!

2009-07-18T09:05:00.000-07:00

Do you catch yourself saying "I only drink on the weekends?" Would you consider yourself a binge drinker? This blog is not meant to scare you away from binge drinking, but to simply provide information on the mental and physical health risks of the habit. If you are drinking to fill the time or as part of a social "etiquette", perhaps it's time to fill the void with other activities like bike riding, hiking, homework, surfing lessons, or new friends.

Binge drinking is consuming a large amount of alcohol in a short period of time. Most experts believe that if you drink more than five alcoholic beverages when you are a male or four beverages or more if you are a female that you are considered as a binge drinker. However, it is possible to not get drunk when you have five drinks, depending on your weight, height, age and experience in drinking.

Binge drinking can be harmful to your health, it can expose you and others to the risk of injury, or even death. The consequences of binge drinking can have long-lasting effects on both your health and well-being.

Here are some of the consequences of binge drinking:

Weight gain.
Obesity.
Liver cirrhosis.
Cancer.
Strokes and cardiovascular/heart problems.
Alcohol poisoning.
Pancreatitis.
Children born with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders.
Unplanned pregnancy.
Gastritis.
High blood pressure.
Fertility problems.
Temporary impotence.
Unintentional injuries, like car crashes, falls, burns, drowning.
Intentional injuries, like firearm injuries, sexual assault, domestic violence.
Sexually transmitted diseases.
Poor control of diabetes.
Mental health problems.

Alcoholism and alcohol abuse, like binge drinking, are not the same, but they are similar. If you find yourself out of control, with a strong craving for alcohol and the need to drink more alcohol while having a physical dependence, then you may be an alcoholic. If you're concerned that your binge drinking has grown to more than a bad habit or occasional overindulgence, then it is advised that you search for some real help.

If you know someone who may be having difficulty with alcohol and binge drinking, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on treatment options, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Untreated Illness Can Be Devastating

2009-07-16T20:47:00.000-07:00

In recent history Michael Jackson has been referred to as odd, eccentric, freakish, troubled and even having "serious issues." These lines of discussion have been amplified by his recent death. With the exception of some haphazard discussion boards, I find it striking that many in the media have failed to acknowledge or even suggest that Michael Jackson may have been suffering from some significant mental illnesses.

Even the casual observer would notice signs of an eating disorder, body dysmorphia, paranoia, delusions, post-traumatic stress disorder and even substance abuse. Instead of pointing out the obvious, likely due to his status and accomplishments, widespread reports have reverted back to referring to someone who may have a mental illness as "strange."

These euphemisms are destructive in many ways. They neglect the root causes of the man's behavior, perhaps leading to a failure of those close to him to urge accessing treatment. This perception perpetuates the view that successful people and celebrities are somehow immune. Mislabeling common, legitimate mental illnesses serves only to relegate them to the stigma-ridden stereotype of carnival sideshow.

Michael Jackson's death is a prime opportunity for us to be reminded that even the richest and most successful can experience mental health and substance abuse problems. His death is a reminder that, gone untreated, these illnesses can have devastating affects.

Dr. John Pompe

If you know someone who may be having difficulty with mental illness, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on mental illness, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

To Drink or Not to Drink

2009-07-12T12:23:00.000-07:00

"Wellness" is about increasing healthy habits and reducing unhealthy ones. Many people say they use alcohol or other drugs to "feel good." Let's consider some reasons we may have for drinking, and for not drinking:

Positive aspects of drinking

socializing
relaxing
fitting in
having fun

Negative aspects of drinking

losing control
getting sick
gaining weight
having accidents

Making healthy choices for feeling good means learning what is healthy for us and doing them, and avoiding the unhealthy things we don't want. If your choices include drinking alcohol, think about drinking safely to avoid any negative consequences.

Sometimes we may feel we are the only person at an event who isn't drinking alcohol. Choosing to drink soda over beer is not something we need to defend. If you feel awkward, you could:

find a friend who also is not drinking alcohol
be the designated driver
drink from a similar container (juice and soda can come in cups, bottles, and cans too)
tell people you're on a "health kick"

If you feel harassed for your choices, you can always leave; you deserve better than to be around people who don't respect your choices.

If you know someone who may be having difficulty with alcohol and drinking, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on alcohol and drug abuse, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Party Smarty!

2009-07-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

Part of hosting a good party is ensuring your guests' comfort. That includes supporting guests who don't want to drink alcohol and encouraging moderation in those who do. The following ideas for hosting parties come from "Responsible Drinking Party Ideas," created by the Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence.

Caring hosts can:

serve food so guests don't drink on an empty stomach
serve plenty of non-alcoholic drinks for those who want them--including drinkers!
serve alcohol in measured amounts, not from open containers like kegs
serve alcohol at spaced intervals, to encourage guests to not have more than one drink an hour
provide a comfortable, relaxed atmosphere--let your party put guests at ease, not your booze
offer activities and entertainment such as games and music so that socializing does not just revolve around eating and drinking
take responsibility for intoxicated guests: don't let anyone drive home drunk. Arrange for taxis or designated drivers, or let people stay the night. You can be held legally responsible for injuries sustained or caused by guests you have served alcohol to.

Reducing Summer Stress, Year after Year

2009-07-11T10:02:00.000-07:00

The good news is that reducing stress can be simple. Tips based on the book "The Not So Big Life: Making Room for What Really Matters," by author Sarah Susanka, may help.

She suggests people use what she calls the Year in Review Ritual to bring balance into their lives, find meaning in everyday events and de-stress.

• Create a special journal in which to record your observations each year.
• Visit www.notsobiglife.com and download the pdf that accompanies the blog entry titled "Making Time for the Year End Ritual."
• Answer the list of questions related to the significant experiences of the past year, to your current life and to your heart's desires.
• Read through the past years' entries and notice how you are changing.
• Close the journal and don't look at it or even try to remember what you wrote until the same time next year.
• Engage the same review process once a year and watch yourself grow into ever more of your true potential.

Assessing Atypical Eating

2009-06-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

Atypical eating disorders including “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified” are the most commonly diagnosed of all eating disorders. While they are commonly identified, they are not the most commonly researched nor are they the most commonly understood.

Many of the same physical and emotional repercussions of the atypical eating disorder diagnosis are similar to the repercussions of Anorexia and Bulimia. The most commonly noticed difference is the severity of the levels and combinations of symptoms. At first notice, it may be difficult or impossible to notice this disorder without further assessment.

Like Anorexia and Bulimia, assessment is mostly completed through consumer surveys and structured interviews. Sufferers may feel ashamed, embarrassed, or be currently symptomatic during the assessment process. In assessing, to better understand the severity of the disorder, it may be important to learn about exercise patterns and body image thoughts. The importance of these two topics is generally an indicator of atypical eating disorder severity. Other assessment features include the presence of amenorrhea, binge eating, or vomiting rituals. It is common for a sufferer of atypical eating disorders to diet, use laxatives and diuretics regularly.

Medically speaking, there are many complications occurring from atypical eating disorders including diabetes and weight gain. Psychologically speaking, when assessing for Bulimia, it may be common to discover that an additional disorder is present. Such disorders include, but are not limited to- depression, anxiety and personality disorders. Some sufferers will also have histories of substance abuse, low self-esteem, and unhealthy body image.

Very few treatments have been studied for atypical eating disorders, but generally treatment plans will mirror those used for Anorexia and Bulimia with some minor differences. Along with anti-depressants and some successful self-help, cognitive behavioral therapy is used to treat atypical eating disorders.

Still, more research needs to be done to better understand this commonly diagnosed and dangerous disease.

If you know someone who has one or several of these symptoms, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on atypical eating disorders, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

Better Understanding Bulimia

2009-06-15T22:17:00.000-07:00

While assessment is important in understanding and treating bulimia, it is quite difficult to successfully assess for various reasons. Many sufferers from bulimia are embarrassed and ashamed of the disease. These sufferers are afraid to expose themselves as appearing anything but perfect. Many sufferers hide their eating disorder and hide their disorder well.

Sufferers of bulimia have difficulty with social interactions as well as personal relationships. Given that sufferers of bulimia behave normally in public and display very few symptoms of the disease, it is sometimes difficult for an outsider to diagnose and recognize the severity. With this, assessment and identification is quite difficult, but obviously necessary for successful treatment.

Like anorexia and other eating disorders, assessments for bulimia uses structured interviewing and surveys to gather information. Self-reporting is the most prevalent form of assessment although it is not the most effective form of gathering information.

Like anorexia and other eating disorders, bulimia negatively affects the mind and body.

Medically speaking, there are many complications that often occur with bulimia, some include electrolyte and cardiovascular issues. Other complications include gastrointestinal, endocrine, dental and reproductive system issues. Bulimics typically suffer from brittle hair, nails, and skin which at times may be the only apparent signals that the person may be bulimic.

Psychologically speaking, when assessing for Bulimia, it may be common to discover an additional disorder is present. Such disorders include, but are not limited to- severe depression, anxiety or anxiety related disorders, obsessive compulsive behavior, and substance abuse.

There are various forms of treatment used with eating disorders such as bulimia. Successful treatment modalities for bulimia generally include antidepressants as well as cognitive behavioral therapy. While it appears as though there are effective treatment modalities, many sufferers do not recover or quite frequently relapse.

Research is exploring new treatment modalities for bulimia and exploring improving current treatments.

If you know someone who has one or several of these symptoms, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on Bulimia, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

The Truth in Treating Anorexia

2009-06-11T18:21:00.000-07:00

It is important to continually and accurately assess for Anorexia both medically and psychologically.

Anorexia is a highly dangerous disease that leads to starvation and death.

Medical assessments are very important given that multiple physical ailments can occur with Anorexia. Several ailments include, but are not limited to- gastrointestinal problems, endocrine abnormalities, dermatological problems, and reproductive problems. With Anorexia, clients may complain of brittle nails or hair, clients may also appear to have dry or yellowed skin.

Psychologically speaking, when assessing for Anorexia, it may be common to discover an additional disorder is present. Such disorders include, but are not limited to- severe depression, anxiety or anxiety related disorders, obsessive compulsive behavior, and substance abuse.

Given that Anorexia is such a rare disease, there is less research on treatment modalities than there are in other disorders. People suffering from Anorexia often are in denial of their disease and truly view themselves as “fat”.

What has been proven is that once motivation has been reached to stay engaged in treatment and to restore weight, results can show. While up to fifty percent of clients may relapse and continue to suffer from Anorexia, many live healthy lives.

Treatment can consist of dietary regimens, tube feeding, pharmacotherapy, and psychological treatment including individual, group, and family therapy.

If you know someone who has one or several of these symptoms, please encourage them to seek help. If you would like more information on Anorexia, please visit http://www.therapeuticbenefits.com/ for resources and to schedule a free phone consultation.

The Nature and Nurture of Weight Disorders

2009-06-05T21:13:00.000-07:00

While it is understood that eating disorders occurs within a large spectrum, we must consider the prevalence of each disorder along that same spectrum.

Anorexia is the least prevalent along the spectrum.

Bulimia is next.

There is more prevalence of Binge Eating Disorder along the spectrum.

And the most prevalent is basic Eating, weight, and body image concerns.

It is also important to remember that is quite difficult to get an accurate representation of prevalence given the stigma against eating disorders in America.

So how do eating disorders come about? Some people say nature, some say nurture. I'll provide information on both theories in this blog. There is evidence showing that bulimia has increased in the last thirty years and less evidence showing the increase in anorexia likewise. While anorexia and bulimia could begin in childhood, it most typically begins in adolescence. With the diet fads occurring today, teens are educated at a very young age how to restrict eating and binging behaviors leading to anorexic and bulimic tendencies. Dieting along with the unrealistic body image ideals of our culture increases the risk of anorexia and other eating disorders.

On the other hand, worldwide obesity has increased and there is clear evidence that this is affecting health concerns in both children and adults as well. It is apparent that the concern of body image, eating, and dieting has increased drastically in our nation as has the awareness and need for services for this population through dieting and exercise.

While it may be impossible to determine who will suffer from an eating disorder or obesity, we can explore who is more vulnerable compared to others.

Females are much more likely to suffer from an eating disorder compared to males given their natural body shape compared to the “ideal” along with the social complexities of staying thin in the “skinny culture” of today.

Also, there are genetic and familial components to eating disorders as well as environmental components to such illness which must be considered. In regards to obesity, there are genetic, socioeconomic, and familial components which should be counterbalanced with good nutrition, education, and steady exercise.

Eating Disorder 101, Just The Basics

2009-06-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Consumers are spending over thirty billion dollars annually on weight loss products in America. This is all part of the weight loss concern and leading into the eating and weight disorders phenomenon that has been occurring in our nation. At one end of the continuum sets Anorexia Nervosa, at the other end lays Obesity. Both diseases have a very high death rate and are very dangerous for those who suffer from these illnesses. While research shows that life expectancy may be increasing on a wide scale due to medical advances and better understanding of nutrition, research is also showing that due to the previously mentioned continuum of weight disease, morbidity is increasing making up for a portion of the life expectancy increase.

Eating disorders can be vaguely defined as abnormal eating behaviors and beliefs about eating and body shape and obesity is related to a general physical or medical condition. While our diagnostic criteria conceptualizing eating problems are too general, research is showing that we have much more to learn to fully understand the complexity of these devastating conditions.

Classification of an eating disorder refers to “A clinically-meaningful behavioral or psychological pattern that is associated with distress or disability or with substantially increased risk of morbidity, disability or mortality”. Some eating disorders may occur in children including Pica, Rumination Disorder, and Feeding Disorder while others can occur in adolescence or young adulthood.

The most commonly discussed eating disorder is Anorexia nervosa. Anorexia consists of the refusal to maintain minimally normal weight which generally affects a female’s reproductive system and menstrual cycle. Low weight can be achieved by restricting ones food intake in fear of becoming “fat”.

Bulimia nervosa is the next commonly discussed eating disorder. Bulimia consists of reoccurring binge eating episodes followed by inappropriate weight compensation behaviors. Compensation behaviors can, but are not limited to, self-induced vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, diet pills, dieting, or exercise. While there are several differences in Anorexia and Bulimia, both meet the criteria of a disturbed perception of body image and take part in constant and unhealthy self-evaluation.

There are several other eating and weight related disorders including Binge Eating Disorder, Eating Disorder NOS (Not Otherwise Specified) and Obesity, which range and look very different on the carrier of this disease, but are each very dangerous and carry high risks including premature death.

Dealing With Loss

2009-05-12T23:39:00.000-07:00

This blog will show how "positive self-talk" can help you if you've lost a friend or a relationship has ended. Here are some suggestions that might help you deal a little better with losses and "nurse your wounds."

1.) Spend time doing things and thinking about things that are different from what you and your friend used to do.
2.) Catch yourself when you start feeling sorry for yourself. Remind yourself of al the things you can be thankful for.
3.) Set the alarm clock for ten minutes and cry and feel sorry for yourself. When the alarm goes off, get up and do something constructive, no matter how small.
4.) Be very gentle with yourself. Accept that you're hurt. Treat yourself with the same care you would offer a good friend in a similar situation.
5.) Avoid situations (on the bus, in the school cafeteria, at your locker) where you might run into your old friend and overreact.
6.) Let the healing process run its full course. The process of healing and growth is not smooth. It is full of ups and downs, moves forward and backward, takes big leaps and slides backwards into depression. This is especially true in adolescence. Realize this and know that you will feel better soon.

Promoting Healthy Body Image in Kids

2009-04-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

At a time in their lives when they should feel secure in their body’s growth, developing confidence is a vital and necessary factor in development. It is important to encourage your children’s development of healthy self-esteem and can be begin with the implementation of several basic steps.

Accept and understand that your child is concerned about looks.

Compliment your child on their strengths and important qualities. Frequently use simple statements surrounding physical attributes including quickness, speed, agility, etc.

Compliment your child on non-physical strengths and important qualities including generosity and intelligence.

Encourage your child to express themselves. Identifying emotions and feelings will promote communication and will advance their abilities to describe inner emotions surrounding self-esteem and self-confidence.

Be a role model. Instead of complaining about your looks, explore your strengths and encourage your children to do the same.

In some cases, a teen may need the help of a mental health professional to build healthy, positive self-esteem. If you’re concerned about your son or daughter’s self-esteem, talk to a therapist with training in adolescent mental health issues

Parents, Watch What You Say!

2009-04-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

I hate my thighs. Look at all of this baby weight. My skin is too pale. I would be happier if I were taller, had bigger muscles, a thinner nose, a longer torso, fuller lips.
Do you catch yourself saying these things in front of your children? Do you frequently put yourself down? If so, you are not alone. It is rare today for women and girls to feel good about their bodies. People have always been interested in appearance, but the current pressure on women to be thin in order to feel acceptable is unprecedented. Many parents are unaware of the impact their own self-esteem has on their children. Almost everyone is dissatisfied with certain elements of their appearance, but keep in mind that when parents care for and appreciate their own bodies, they teach their kids to do the same. If you’re excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child may eventually mirror you.

Dating Mistakes: Ignoring Red Flags

2009-01-15T07:00:00.000-08:00

You are a guy who knows how to date, you are a girl who hasn't dated in years, you are a guy who has never been successful with women. Whatever your situation, there are some common dating rules to follow when venturing into the dating jungle. One very important rule to follow, watch for red flags.

We each have our own red flags, some red flags can be generalized to most people, others are specific to your own needs and desires. Some common red flags may be: someone doesn't show up when you’re supposed to meet, if they don’t let you call them at home, if they kick their dog, etc. etc.

The difficult part is, at times, there are more subtle warnings that one may be tempted to overlook, especially if one is eager for the relationship to work out. While one shouldn't jump to conclusions without sufficient evidence on the first problem that arises, an emerging pattern is not something to make excuses for or brush under the rug. Address these problems early, and don't waste your time.

Relationship Rules and Refrigerator Art

2009-01-05T11:34:00.000-08:00

From many sources and many experts, here are some basic rules of relationships. This is by no means an exhaustive list. But it's a start. Print them out and pin them up on your refrigerator door. I won't test you on them—but life will.

Choose a partner wisely. We are attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. They remind us of someone from our past. They shower us with gifts and make us feel important. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend; look at their character, personality, values, their generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions, their relationships with others.

Know your partner's beliefs about relationships. Different people have different and often conflicting beliefs about relationships.

Don't confuse sex with love. Especially in the beginning of a relationship, attraction and pleasure in sex are often mistaken for love.

Know your needs and speak up for them clearly. A relationship is not a guessing game. Many people, men as well as women, fear stating their needs and, as a result, camouflage them. The result is disappointment at not getting what they want and anger at a partner for not having met their (unstated) needs. Closeness cannot occur without honesty. Your partner is not a mind reader.

Respect, respect, respect. Inside and outside the relationship, act in ways so that your partner always maintains respect for you. Mutual respect is essential to a good relationship.
View yourselves as a team, which means you are two unique individuals bringing different perspectives and strengths. That is the value of a team—your differences.

If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why he or she is doing it. Talk and explore, don't assume.

Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in relationships can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to erect defenses against one another and to become strangers. Or enemies.

Sex is good. Pillow talk is better. Sex is easy, intimacy is difficult. It requires honesty, openness, self-disclosure, confiding concerns, fears, sadnesses as well as hopes and dreams.

Apologize, apologize, apologize. Anyone can make a mistake. Repair attempts are crucial—highly predictive of happiness. They can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic—but willingness to make up after an argument is central to every happy marriage.

Maintain self-respect and self-esteem. It's easier for someone to like you and to be around you when you like yourself.

Recognize that all relationships have their ups and downs and do not ride at a continuous high all the time. Working together through the hard times will make the relationship stronger.

Make good sense of a bad relationship by examining it as a reflection of your beliefs about yourself. Don't just run away from a bad relationship; you'll only repeat it with the next partner. Use it as a mirror to look at yourself, to understand what in you is creating this relationship.

Psychology Today Magazine, Oct/Nov 2004Last Reviewed 3 Nov 2008Article ID: 3542

Conceive and Achieve it- Positive Coping Skills

2008-12-25T16:33:00.000-08:00

Life has inevitable twists and turns, but what do you do when your life has a sudden halt, sudden tumble, or unexpected disappointment? Positive coping skills are our way to get through such difficult times. Some positive coping skills include relaxation and breathing exercises, eating a balanced diet, avoiding dependence on drugs and alcohol, and the most simple of all, using humor to lighten difficult situations.

Additional quick and simple coping strategies that can be used are the following:

When you feel stressed, practice taking long, deep breaths. Breathing exercises are one of the most readily available and simple coping skills to take advantage of when in a stressful situation.

Keep your body healthy by getting regular exercise and eating well. Getting 20 minutes of exercise three times a week along with eating a balanced diet are helpful and positive coping strategies for stressful and trying times.

Seek to find the positive in every situation.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best...
And...

always look on the bright side of life...

Always look on the light side of life...

-by Eric Idle

The following test assesses your coping skills and your predominant methods of coping with stress. You will be asked to answer according to how you feel and react in response to high levels of stress in your life. When you answer, consider how you have dealt with stress in the recent past; our coping strategies can change over time so if you think about stressors that are too far back, the results may no longer reflect your current coping strategies.

http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/take_test.php?idRegTest=1306

New Years Resolutions: You Make 'em, You Break 'em.

2008-12-24T17:00:00.000-08:00

We all have New Years Resolutions. Among the top 10 health related New Years Resolutions include quitting smoking, start working out, and lose weight. A few others are drink less alcohol, get more sleep, and decrease stress. If any of these sound like something you have attempted in the past and have not succeeded, consider that will-power may not be enough.

Psychotherapy can explore what began these habits in the first place. Breaking a pattern is sometimes very difficult to do alone. With a therapist, you can explore what distorted your eating, why you drink an entire bottle of wine with dinner, or what is keeping you up at night. The search could go back to childhood or adolescence, and the change may take several weeks or months.

Here are some action oriented tips from Gordian Health Solutions for keeping several common New Years Resolutions. It is important to keep your goals measurable, achievable, and rewarding, good luck and Happy New Year!

"Start Working Out." Make the action steps of your resolution more specific, like "I will walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes, three to four times a week" or "I will wear a pedometer to work, park farther from the door and take the stairs instead of the elevator to get in more steps per day."

"Lose Weight." Make your goal more achievable and timely, like "I will lose 5 pounds by the end of the month." Then come up with action steps involving nutritional changes, exercise, etc.

"Eat Better." Change your thinking from "I'm going on a diet" to "I'm making lifestyle changes to improve my eating habits." Consider keeping a food journal to find specific areas you can change. Specific action steps to take might include "I will limit eating sweets to twice per week" or "I will reduce my consumption of fast food from three times per week to once per week" or "I will increase my servings of fruits and vegetables to five per day."

"Quit Smoking." Set a realistic quit date. Make sure you are not setting yourself up for failure by trying to quit during an especially stressful time. If you're a heavy smoker, talk to your doctor and consider using nicotine replacement therapy such as nicotine patches, gum or medications. Clear your home of all smoking-related paraphernalia (cigarettes, lighters, ashtrays, etc.). Set action steps to reduce your tobacco intake slowly, like "I will cut back by one cigarette per day over the next week." Also think about a plan to deal with cravings and challenging situations.

"Reduce Stress." Identify and write down your stressors. Identify positive steps you can take when feeling stressed and what sources of support you have. A realistic action step might be something like "During times of stress, I will practice deep breathing techniques, write in a journal or go for a walk to clear my head."

Are you ready for sex?

2008-12-22T20:36:00.000-08:00

No matter your age, you're thinking about it. For minors, there are laws prohibiting sexual relationships and the reporting of relationships. Check out this link for more information:
http://www.teenhealthrights.org/fileadmin/teenhealth/teenhealthrights/ca/08_Cal__sex_abuse_reporting.pdf

Regardless, sex is something that's on every teenager's mind. You most likely have tons of questions about how it works and, well, how to do it. More importantly, are you ready? Who can you talk to about sex and how to you determine if you're ready to have sex for the first time?

Here is a quiz that may be helpful in deciding if the time is right.
http://teenadvice.about.com/od/sexsexuality/tp/are_you_ready_to_have_sex.htm

Learn To Listen

2008-12-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt that you have nothing to talk about with people after the in initial, "How're you doing and how're the kids".. questions? Do you golf and discover that after the first few holes, you're at a loss for words? What about those awkward pauses on first dates?

Conversing with others is a daily task that occurs in practically every human interaction and field of business. Weather you're a banker, a sales representative, an attorney, or an electrician, sooner or later you will need to converse with someone and it is incredibly helpful to explore the development of your listening skills.

These quick tips can help you become a better listener, a more personable colleague, and who knows, perhaps a better golfer too. For a more in-depth exploration of your ability to listen, therapy may be a great start. For now, listen up and read on.

Tip 1: Listen, Listen, Listen
We have two ears and only one mouth for a reason. Ask your colleague, client, or friend what’s going on, whether it be something that is wrong, that is exciting, that is new in their life, etc. and really listen to the answer. Let them vent their fears, frustrations and other important feelings while maintaining eye contact and showing that you’re interested in what they have to say. Resist the urge to give advice (unless it is warranted) and just let them get it out.

Tip 2: Keep The Focus On Them
Rather than delving into a related story of your own, keep the focus on them until they are completely finished. They will appreciate the focused attention, and this will help them feel genuinely cared for and understood.

Tip 3: Stay Present
Sometimes people appear that they are listening, but they’re really just waiting for their friend to stop talking so they can say whatever they’ve been mentally rehearsing while they’ve been pretending to listen. People can usually sense this, and it doesn’t feel good. Also, they tend to miss what’s being said because they’re not focused.

RSVP Yes to Relationships

2008-12-20T10:44:00.000-08:00

Healthy relationships do not just show up knocking at your front door. While the old saying may be true: "It will show up when you least expect it." "It"- will not find you when you are watching football on your couch weekend after weekend or online shoe shopping for next seasons cutest pumps.

Your next relationship goal is to take action. 'Tis the season for holiday parties and social gatherings, RSVP yes and meet new people. Even if you do not find a special someone under the mistletoe, those that you do meet, may have a hot sister, a friend, or a coworker that would be perfect for you.

Seeing a therapist may be the first step to becoming an active participant in your potential new relationship. Exploring your fears of initiating conversation, meeting new people, shyness, and self-esteem are topics that can be tackled in individual therapy quickly and efficiently. Take action and begin living a happier and more fulfilled life in '09!

Relationship Rules, Learn From Your Mistakes

2008-12-19T14:37:00.000-08:00

Are you staring a new relationship in the face? Are you dating, surfing match.com, or currently courting the potential mr. or mrs. dream boat?

Why make the same mistake twice? Repeating the same relationship blunder is common yet avoidable. It's time to explore your past and discover what will work in your future. Allowing an un-biased and trained professional to assist in this process is beneficial and will aide in the process of discovering your mr. or mrs. right.

A few tips..

Spend ten minutes thinking about your past relationships. No need to pull out the old photo albums and memorabilia, just think. It may be helpful to jot down a few thoughts that may come to your mind during this exercise, a few words, phrases, etc.

Think about the following questions:

What aspects in those individuals made you happiest?
What aspects were not so great?
Are you ready for a new relationship and all that it involves?

Some relationships go sour, some relationships thrive. Some relationships grow and some relationships fail. Each relationship is different, each relationship is unique and novel in many ways, but one thing is common- each relationship provides a wealth of knowledge if you know where to find it.

Free Relationship Evaluation, How are you relating to relationships?

2008-12-18T13:00:00.000-08:00

Are you a charming business man- good on paper, seemingly normal family, but unable to find the right partner to bring home to mom? Are you an assertive and punctual woman with plenty of male friends, but no boyfriend?

It's time to discover what has been going wrong and what has been going right with the way you go about dating, relationships, and the juicy stuff in the middle.

Therapy works. Relationships are sometimes very difficult and with therapy, you can explore why prince charming isn't appearing and why your dream woman keeps getting away.

First, evaluate yourself. Where are you in life? What has brought you there? Are you happy? Are you sad? These may seem like the most basic questions, but they are the first step to truly evaluating how you are in fact relating to relationships.

Fitness and Body Image

2008-10-30T11:18:00.000-07:00

Over 3 billion dollars is spent a year in the US on diet and exercise. While it is important to maintain a healthy weight and take care of our physical bodies, it is also imperative that we maintain our emotional counterparts. But how do we tend to our emotions when they are related to our perceived body image?

Fitness and exercise plays an important role in an active person’s lifestyle. But to many men and women across America, their true happiness depends greatly upon their perception of themselves rather than how others view them. At times, these men and women see a skewed image of themselves when they gaze into a mirror. A woman once said to me: “I don’t want to jog because everyone else will look at me, they will stare at how fat I am.” This woman had a distorted view of herself and was by no means, “fat”. If this sounds familiar, you aren’t alone.

Through the grace of the media, our culture promotes negative images and unrealistic standards for men and women. We are also product of a culture that is subject to diet fads and over-the-counter wonder pills. Such trends proclaim to give you the Body you’ve always dreamed of regardless of the tush and legs that your mother gave you. Not only are these fads unrealistic, they are unfair and unhealthy for the emotionally fragile person.

Being an athlete and active person from a very young age, I have come to understand the social complexities placed upon many men and women to stay fit, to stay healthy, and to stay young, even when we aren’t. There is a time when we must accept our innate body and love the skin we’re in. As an interactive and practical therapist, I support men and women of all ages, to do just that.

Now this doesn’t mean I am promoting a sedentary lifestyle, munching on buttered popcorn and potato chips while watching The Biggest Loser and Gray’s Anatomy. Nor am I promoting the assertion that: “If this is the body I was born to have, I might as well have another beer.” Research shows that if we stay within the following conceptual building blocks within the model of healthy body image (BodyImageHealth.org), the positive outcomes are endless.

1.) Balance attention to many aspects of identity. Looks are only one part.
2.) Consistently satisfy hunger with enough varied, wholesome food in a stable, predictable manner.
3.) Limit sedentary choices to promote a physically active lifestyle at all ages.
4.) Choose role models who reflect a realistic standard.

With a firm understanding of the importance of keeping the physical as well as the emotional body fit, a healthy body image is certainly attainable. Similarly, we can begin to better regulate the reasons behind maintaining a body weight, dieting and exercising. We can understand the difference between the images of Hollywood and the reality of life. With a healthy body image, men and women can design a physically active lifestyle for fitness, endurance, fun, relaxation, and stress relief and begin eating for health, energy and hunger satisfaction.